I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
