Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize