Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
