The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
