we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
