So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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