Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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