I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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