Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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