I puked a lego.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
