Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
