I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
