The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize