I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
