But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
