my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
