Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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