I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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