hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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