Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
