I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I touched a dick in church today
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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