I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I would fuck him just for his dog
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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