in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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