In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
