I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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