I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
