she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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