the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
