U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
