i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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