I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
