Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
