I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
