This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
