we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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