Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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