my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize