What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
