so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize