Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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