I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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