i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
