The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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