Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
