Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
