My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
