I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
