My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
