Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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