ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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