how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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