She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
