can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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