Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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