Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
