You're my little dorito
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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